My...No, Never....

I had the privilege to spend the day at Time Out for Women. TOFW is a conference for women sponsored by Deseret Books. I spent seven fabulous hours with ladies that share my beliefs and values. I was brought to tears, laughed out loud and walked away at the end of the afternoon feeling as if I could continue on this journey of a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter, a Sister and a Friend.

I live about 40 miles from where TOFW was held...on the way home I was able to reflect on the lessons taught, the scriptures that were shared and the fun that was had. I came away ready to be me, knowing that I can be me. I came away with the courage to become ME.

All of the speakers were great, but the last speaker...Emily Freeman really spoke to me! She talked about the ways to imprint Christs name on our hearts. Some of the stories she shared were heart breaking. One of the stories she shared was about her home ward and the trials that ward had been through in the span of two years... 5 different family's had  different babies and they were all born with 5 different life threatening conditions. All 5 babies died. She was asked to speak at one of the funerals and in preparing for that funeral she spoke to the family of this little baby! She got to know the family better and asked lots of questions....knowing the outcome would you do this again? She said the Mom of this baby said "no, never...I don't think I would have the strength to do it again". the next question was something along the lines of if given the choice would you choose not to being going through this?...and her answer was "no,never!"

I've had my own "No, Never" moment! Cole struggles with mental illness. It causes much pain and heartache sometimes....makes both of us questions everything from our marriage to our church callings! There have been days, weeks, months and years where we have literally fought from sun up to sun down to keep him sane! There have been times when I can feel the pain and anguish he's experiencing from the look in his eye. There have been times where I have wondered if it is worth it! I try with all my might to remind him and myself that Christ has felt these burdens...that if we could only turn them over to him he would ease them for us. I know that this is Cole's trial in this life, I know that he has the strength to over come it, and I know that one day he will be made whole again and the depression, OCD and Bi Polar will all be erased and he will be complete!

When I married Cole I knew about his illnesses! I loved him for his strength, for the way he made me feel, for the comfort and peace his love provided. I loved him, I knew he would make a wonderful father, a loving husband and I knew that we were meant for each other.

There was one day a few years ago, the week before this day was very challenging....in fact if you ask him about some of the things that happened during the week before he has no recollections of them (!!!), anyhow, We were out  for a drive and Cole asked if I had regrets over marring him...I replied with No, Never! I choose you Cole! I knew what I was getting myself into and I still choose you. He said if you could do it all over again, would you choose different? I said, "No, Never! If I choose different I would have given up all of the things I have learned! I would have given up all of the trials that have only made us stronger!"

I still feel this way today. I would NEVER give up the things I have learned, the things that I have been through and the things I still have to go through....to have it easier! I believe that Cole and I were meant to be, I feel it, I know it! And knowing that....that makes his trials my trials as well! I believe there is something from me to learn from his trials and from the things we have had to go through because of his trials....Believe me when I tell you I would never wish the things we have been through on ANYONE else!

Driving home from Anchorage today gave me the opportunity to reflect on how far we have come...How far Cole has come in his mental illness. How far I have come. I am grateful for the messages shared today...and I plan on sharing more soon!